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The Self-Killing Love of a Male


Not long ago, I had the opinion that a man can’t experience that type of love that makes him suffer great and when even the words “I’ll die for you” are really meant. That thing just can’t have been admitted by my mind at that time, because I know the man character. But it happened to me too. And it’s indeed strange to experience this state. I despised the “Vanilla” stuff up to some tolerable level, but after this stuff happened, I sensed my integrity shaking.

I guess, from the title, many might have taken a sudden conclusion: that I lost my Alpha attitude and spirit. But that’s not quite right. Somehow strange, but this girl really makes me tremble when I’m near her, when she speaks to me, when I sense her smell, when I sense her touch (that being something usual and informal like a push, an accidental bump, etc) or even her looking at me. I don’t tremble like aN actual tremble, but I try to make it unnoticed. Even like this I start to say and do stupid stuff. If a friend saw me in that situation, he would have said that that doesn’t look like me at all. He might be shocked or even think that he saw someone else.

Anyway, I have to say that In a state like that described, I’m losing my Alpha characteristics. Ok, I agree to the fact that sometimes we might have temporary deep attraction for a girl but only wanting a one night stand, a weekend fling, etc. and we might mistake that for love. But this time, that’s really not the case. And when I try to think seriously about it, I don’t get anything out. I know myself well. (Or so I thought up to this moment.) I think realistically and analyze logically every issue, but I can’t analyze this stuff and it puts me on guard. I sense that I’m ready to do anything for her and even be her puppy up to some level. I have to say that I actually know her very little, so that’s why I wrote “up to some level”, because I don’t think this love is eternal…. but who knows… as you can already say – the whole post is confusing…

At one moment I even sensed that I’m ready to kill myself if she distances herself from me. I thought “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT JUST NOW?”

Oh, by the way, it’s not “Suicide Love”. Actually, I found about that term only today. It’s not liKe this:


I’m not gonna kill her and me together or some shit like that…. that’s pure madness….

My single question right now is “How I ended up like this?”….. All of this is really confusing….. Why her every touch is like being struck by lightning?….

Now, after writing all of this, I reAlize that my psychological studies can help me in this situation. Long ago I discovered a really interesting psychological thing. And I used it at that time. Basically, I can fall in love and kill my love for anyone at will. At first I thought that’s impossible, but after trying it about 3 times before, I know it works… Now I’m not sure if I should kill my love for her… I know it’s gonna hurt a lot… I guess, I’ll let it be for some time and admire her from distance.

By the way, if you wondered if I approached her with this matter – I did it. She rejected me in a straightforward manner and I don’t wanna pursue her… Better love her from distance, do my thing and let her live her life…

Although, I don’t use good ol’ buddy Jack for solving such problems, but this time… I’ll share his company for this evening…



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