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Monthly Archives: April 2013

The Mask Issue

Today was another day of my “opening”. Again, I confronted a new issue of my personality, before being neglected and denied since my “total change” (which happened in August)
This time it relates to “masks”. By “masks” I mean the sudden change of personality for a certain group or person, as if you would put a mask on your face and play a certain role.
Now, we all experience somehow such situations when you try to be who you’re not for a certain group or person, because we are imposed to do that by some situations, or because we must act like that according to some rules (for example, at work).
The issue I encountered is: “masks attach to persons”. Back to the time when I was a pussy, I behaved a certain way by playing different roles. Now I noticed that, involuntarily I behave according to the mask I was wearing for talking with a certain girl. Even if I changed, I behave naturally only with the persons I recently met or my best friends. But with the girls I know for a long time – I’m a pussy. Starting today, I’ll start to pay more attention to my behaving and I’ll strive to be my real self.
I consider that realizing this fact took me too much time. Now all my girl-acquaintances know me like the pussy I was and not how I really am…
This stuff makes me be mad on me…

A good example of the problem described would be this:
The persons I greeted first time with a confident “Hello” know me as a confident person and I’m involuntarily confident in their presence and I do exhibit confident behavior.
The persons I greeted first time with a weak “I don’t deserve your attention”-like “Hello” know me as a pussy and I’m exhibiting beta-like personality in their presence.

Dealing with this shit is rather hard, as I tried today…
Anyway, I’m gonna continue my quest to acquire integrity.

Peace&Victory

The Self-Killing Love of a Male. Episode 2

Hi there!
It looks like yesterday’s episode was only a start for this challenge I have to endure. Or better said: It was a start of my realization/acceptance of the fact that: I felt like that continuously along the whole time (ignoring it)…
Today I had the great “pleasure” to sit near her and be there for like 1,5h… Now that was some pretty hard quest… At my studying procedure (or location), I was made to work in pairs with her. It’s good each of us had some homework to prepare, so we intersected our sights very little. But being near her was really a challenge. And as you see, I’m starting unconsciously repeating myself…
Sensing her smell and hearing her sweet voice at such a little distance made my mind blurry. All thoughts just messed up…. And when I had to show my knowledge and mind abilities – I fucked up…. As simply as that… Messed up all the info I had to present…
Frankly, at a certain moment, it felt like she was enjoying the procedure of “torturing” me… But that might have been just my imagination…
Anyway, I can assuredly say that I had somehow enjoyed it… How strange it may sound… But, yeah – I enjoyed it… Being near her felt great, although painful… (a little bit)…
…… Interestingly, after proofreading the article before posting, I uncontrollably start to analyze the feelings I’m experiencing, and I catch my mind on the fact that, although the words are so confuse and antagonistic – to me these descriptions are so clear… Funny situation…

Today I found a new passion of mine. Well, it’s not quite new, because I noticed this thing earlier too, but I always strived to neglect it. Strangely, I now feel ashamed because I didn’t recognize it as a trait of mine, thus damaging my integrity “silently”. So, basically, it’s “falling in love with a girl because she dresses and speaks a certain way”… Something like that….
Let me retell you today’s feeling. It happened at my studying courses. She [another girl] was sitting behind me, at the left side of the desk. As I’m sitting alone in my desk occupying the whole place (predominantly in the right side, turned in a lateral way), I got to observe her very well. She was dressed very sexy, but not provocatively or erotic (maybe only in a certain way). Her upper body had a brown to gray colored top, covering entirely her impressive breasts, pointing out her extremely delicious body… OK, that’s enough of that type of describing 🙂 … On her top she had a black leather coat (opened). Now, everyone who knows me very well, knows that I absolutely adore (black) leather clothing, especially when a woman is dressed in it. I’m not sure, but I think that just because she was wearing that leather coat in that moment of time, I fell in love with her… Or maybe that coat just contributed to the realization that I have always wanted her as my wife…. Returning to the moment, I want to add that she also sighed when I looked at her once… Oh man, now that was so fucking erotic…
Also, sometimes she has such an erotic voice… Like women have during foreplay… That thing just made me fucking melt right there… The single thing I had on my mind was to steal a kiss from her… Taste her lips…
A mentor of mine once told me about such sigh, like the sound every guy is pursuing his entire life… Now I understand what he meant… And that sound was like being in heaven for a moment…
I guess from this situation, you could understand what I meant by “falling in love because she dresses or speaks a certain way in a certain moment”… If something like this happened to you too, I won’t be against you posting your story in the comment section below.

Peace&Victory

The Self-Killing Love of a Male

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Not long ago, I had the opinion that a man can’t experience that type of love that makes him suffer great and when even the words “I’ll die for you” are really meant. That thing just can’t have been admitted by my mind at that time, because I know the man character. But it happened to me too. And it’s indeed strange to experience this state. I despised the “Vanilla” stuff up to some tolerable level, but after this stuff happened, I sensed my integrity shaking.

I guess, from the title, many might have taken a sudden conclusion: that I lost my Alpha attitude and spirit. But that’s not quite right. Somehow strange, but this girl really makes me tremble when I’m near her, when she speaks to me, when I sense her smell, when I sense her touch (that being something usual and informal like a push, an accidental bump, etc) or even her looking at me. I don’t tremble like aN actual tremble, but I try to make it unnoticed. Even like this I start to say and do stupid stuff. If a friend saw me in that situation, he would have said that that doesn’t look like me at all. He might be shocked or even think that he saw someone else.

Anyway, I have to say that In a state like that described, I’m losing my Alpha characteristics. Ok, I agree to the fact that sometimes we might have temporary deep attraction for a girl but only wanting a one night stand, a weekend fling, etc. and we might mistake that for love. But this time, that’s really not the case. And when I try to think seriously about it, I don’t get anything out. I know myself well. (Or so I thought up to this moment.) I think realistically and analyze logically every issue, but I can’t analyze this stuff and it puts me on guard. I sense that I’m ready to do anything for her and even be her puppy up to some level. I have to say that I actually know her very little, so that’s why I wrote “up to some level”, because I don’t think this love is eternal…. but who knows… as you can already say – the whole post is confusing…

At one moment I even sensed that I’m ready to kill myself if she distances herself from me. I thought “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT JUST NOW?”

Oh, by the way, it’s not “Suicide Love”. Actually, I found about that term only today. It’s not liKe this:

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I’m not gonna kill her and me together or some shit like that…. that’s pure madness….

My single question right now is “How I ended up like this?”….. All of this is really confusing….. Why her every touch is like being struck by lightning?….

Now, after writing all of this, I reAlize that my psychological studies can help me in this situation. Long ago I discovered a really interesting psychological thing. And I used it at that time. Basically, I can fall in love and kill my love for anyone at will. At first I thought that’s impossible, but after trying it about 3 times before, I know it works… Now I’m not sure if I should kill my love for her… I know it’s gonna hurt a lot… I guess, I’ll let it be for some time and admire her from distance.

By the way, if you wondered if I approached her with this matter – I did it. She rejected me in a straightforward manner and I don’t wanna pursue her… Better love her from distance, do my thing and let her live her life…

Although, I don’t use good ol’ buddy Jack for solving such problems, but this time… I’ll share his company for this evening…

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